


Dogs

by 72HoursMassacre



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: "Spoilers" up to 134, Alliance Wins/Eren Lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27494161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/72HoursMassacre/pseuds/72HoursMassacre
Summary: "I'm sure you could care less but, just so you know... a 'true friend' would never force their friend to make a choice like that."
Relationships: Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Armin Arlert & Jean Kirstein, Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager, established Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	Dogs

**Author's Note:**

> I should take this chance to apologise.  
> Hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!

When he complains about arrogant politicians, obstinate military men and disgusting old richmen over liquor after work and his colleagues dare to laugh at him, claiming he secretly enjoys _putting them in their places_ even if he has to deal with their capriciousness for hours on end; he makes certain to borrow one too many of their beloved, expensive cigars to purposefully waste with one or two drags, since he rarely smokes, just to spite them and offer to find the best of psychiatrists for them, they obviously need to get their heads checked.

(Thankfully, they're usually all too tipsy to question whether he, of all people, is any place to talk about psychiatric issues.)

However, after opening the door to the backyard of the cottage to find him apparently training on some self-made punching bag, it becomes apparent his colleagues may have not been _entirely wrong_. Quite surely, he misses arguments against any kind of logic, endeavours to buy ideas and people with money, _hell_ , even all the smiles he has to fake and the sweet semi-truths he has to serve to get the elite to _sign the fucking papers_ , right now.

Anything, really. Anything but this. 

If anyone ever told the him of about sixteen years ago - who used to curl in bed silently crying because Eren is sick, Eren is in pain, and he's not allowed to be there to take care of him - or the him of eleven years ago - who used to wake up in cold sweat from nightmares of Eren getting eaten before his eyes years after the event - or the him of eight years ago - who used to kick chairs and throw books on the walls in anger because his closest friend mistrusted and abandoned him and yet he still considered praying, before he went to sleep, for his well being in gods he didn't believe in - that there would come a day, he'd rather do anything but meet Eren, he would either outright laugh at their faces or make sure he shows how much he pities them, for, clearly, they have no idea _what he and Eren are_.

If he was as _brilliant_ as people so carelessly call him, he wouldn't be so absolutely certain he and Eren are stronger than whatever fate throws at them.

He really took his sweet time growing up.

Regardless... he's here now. 

He finally made that _first step_. 

Why turn back now, when he has the chance to bang his head so hard against the wall until he stops thinking, he stops _feeling_ altogether and inevitably put Eren through the trouble of having to clean his house off his brains - that would take a while, if it's even possible - as well as leave him with no proof he wasn't the one to murder him? - an accusation like that could even make Mikasa stop visiting him for a month or so, that would _teach_ him.

Or -

Yes. He has another chance to _fix his mistakes._

He could jump on Eren now that he's still unaware of his presence, throw him on the grass, put his hands around his neck and slowly... patiently... start squeezing... bear his nails into sensitive skin... feel his heart racing... feel his body squirming for air... watch the eyeballs roll backwards... take absolute control over his life and death... become his God for -

"You're back..."

Well... some other time then.

"Yes, for three days now... Good morning."

After all, it really has been _four whole years_. 

"Good morning." 

Four years, that - the closer he comes, the more apparent it becomes - have left no noteworthy mark on Eren's body, quite unlike his own. Seems like his training - most likely Mikasa's program - has been paying off. Maybe he should start making more time for exercising himself.

"I brought you some groceries."

"I see. Thank you, but you didn't have to. Mikasa came by yesterday."

Four years, that have evidently left no noteworthy similarities to the past as far as the way Eren stares at him is concerned; maybe save the intensity. But that was always his default function.

"Ah, I didn't know..."

(There's no reason to lie really. It's not like Eren will believe that after four years of no contact, he started caring about his diet out of the blue. But lying, here and most likely on a lot of occasions to follow, will hopefully save them both the risk of questions they don't want to answer or know the answer to.)

"... Could - Could you give me a minute to... take a quick shower?"

"By all means... I shouldn't have come uninvited."

"No. There's no problem..."

Well, maybe he still has a chance, after all.

He could wait until Eren gets under the water, his body relaxes and he lets down his guard. Then, he could jump in from behind him, kick him in the back of his knees to throw him off balance, grab his hair and hit his head against the tiles, and while he's disoriented, puts his hands around his neck, start squeezing and the rest is history.

Let's see, if in his last seconds Eren would stare at him like he used to, _whatever that was_. 

If he'd grab his wrists with the last of his strength and beg him to - _I'm so- rry! Ple -Please, Armin. I'm sorry. You were right, everything is my fault, I should have trusted you, I shouldn't have acted on my own. I'm a monster, I know, but I had to protect Paradis, I had to do it, please, you have to understand, I regret everything, please, I still lo_ -

 _Hilarious_. 

And here he thought it's impossible to pity himself any more than he's been doing all those years, ever since Eren decided he can do _whatever the hell he likes_. 

Eren never wanted forgiveness. Never cared for it, never thought he deserved it. 

If Eren could turn back time to the moment he made his choice, he'd start the Rumbling all over again.

If he could turn back time to that moment, would he still make the same choices?

.

.

What even is the point to ponder on that?

(If they had the power to turn back time, they could prevent much more than the Rumbling. They could prevent millions of sacrifices. Maybe they could even break the _circle_ before it began... 

In that case, maybe he and Eren would never even meet. Maybe they wouldn't even be born -)

What _the fuck_ is wrong with him today?

There's a million scenarios in which _his little ridiculous fantasy_ \- he can't call it a _plan_ with as little information as he has on his surroundings and, as of _lately_ , the _victim_ \- ends up with his brains splattered all over Eren's bathtub - Eren is physically stronger than him, if he understands he's in danger one second too soon, if he doesn't react as expected for a single second, it's realistically over for him.

And then there's also the few scenarios _in_ _between_ victory and loss: in which he puts his hands around his neck, and instead of struggling, Eren closes his eyes, thanks him, and peacefully welcomes the inevitable.

He wouldn't be the terrifying God about to punish him for his sins but the benign God to grant him redemption...

_Where's the fun in that?_

What a tasteless joke.

(He wouldn't even manage to fully open the bathroom door before Eren somehow blew up his opportunity.)

He needs to sit down.

(The kitchen seems appropriate - not really that far but definitely _the farthest_ from the bathroom.)

Right now, he could swear to _anything_ , never before, had the sound of running water felt so... _alluring_ ; never before, had he desired to hurt another person so deeply they will never recover.

One thing's for sure, when he returns back to the Capital he's going to get so _gloriously_ wasted, he'll _forget his own name_.

Hopefully, Eren's too.

"Would you like some tea? Coffee?"

.

.

There _officially_ goes his second chance for the day.

"Coffee, thank you." 

He really should use that towel on his shoulder. If he allows his hair to keep on dripping on his shirt like this, while he keeps every window in the building open on a particularly windy early November morning, he's asking for a cold. Has he even taken care to store the necessary medicine? Or does he think Mikasa is obliged to run all the way out here whenever _the little prince_ gets ill because he doesn't feel like drying his hair or closing the _fucking_ windows?

"Coffee?"

"... Tea is fine too. I don't mind."

"No. It's just- you didn't strike me as a coffee person."

 _Fuck you_ , he would answer in a better reality -

"... It's tea, normally. I just feel like coffee today."

\- if only because, for some godforsaken reason, he let Eren know he's right.

"Ah..."

Unbearably uncomfortable, how this encompassing silence - well, apart from the faint sounds of water boiling and Eren moving about the kitchen counter - is _not_ uncomfortable. Or at least not as uncomfortable as one would expect, between two... _friends_? - to hell with it - _friends_ who split four years ago at odds and haven't spoken once ever since - said friends being the person who almost destroyed the world and the person who led the force which stopped him; but also, the person who was fantasizing about murder only minutes prior and his target. 

So uncomfortably not uncomfortable, in fact, that it's taking everything he has not to put his head between his arms on the table and _doze off_ that bone-crushing exhaustion he's overcome with out of nowhere, which in turn, it's safe to assume, will do no good for his already thinning patience.

"You should dry your hair..."

What's even more uncomfortable, is that he searches for any remnant of their past in this stare as well, as if, were he to find any, it would change literally anything.

Can Eren tell how utterly pathetic he's being?

"...It's still dripping."

.

.

.

Of course, he can.

And as much as he deserves to be laughed at right now, Eren had better do them both a favour and stop soon, for this laughter is undoubtedly derived straight from the past and he just might grab some kitchen knife and stab his trachea or do something else - not sure what it is exactly, but he wants to do it and it's far, _far worse_.

It's the first time for a lot of things today, it seems.

On top of all the first times regarding imagining someone's murder, it's his first time sighing in relief at someone's laughter dying out and the first time he's ever felt that sense of absolute _satisfaction_ because someone is drying their _fucking_ hair.

Needless to say, his mind being in quite literal ruins is being particularly _palpable_ today - and it's neither the right place nor the right time for that.

Still, as dangerous as this might be proven, he has finally _made the first step_. He might as well _try_.

However hard he glares the cup of coffee Eren places in front of him, it most certainly won't magically turn into the scotch he would sell drugs to orphans - quite hypocritical that the thought disgusts him considering he's done worse monstrosities than that - to have right now.

"Thank you."

Though if he's being reasonable, the reviving bitterness of the coffee is exactly what he needs right now if he's hoping to put his mind back in _some_ order; especially now, that Eren sits in the chair next to his own at one head of the table, and effortlessly infuses the silence with said missing _inconvenience_ ; simply by drinking his own coffee slowly, avoiding eye contact and making unapologetically obvious that he wants him to be here as little as he wants to be here himself. 

He'd better get this over soon. 

"Your garden looks beautiful... I detect some special preference for petunias and marigolds... How so?"

Admittedly difficult to decide, which is the most ridiculous concept: Eren being aware of the meanings behind flowers and trying to convey a message, or him even _fathoming_ Eren could do something like that. 

"... Don't know... Just felt like it."

Unsurprisingly, even from this distance, he still can't read his eyes - when was the last time he looked in them and new immediately if Eren was lying, really? Must have been some time after he inherited the Collosal, _way before_ Eren left for Marley.

"You seem to be doing... ok. I'm glad."

"You, too, I hear. Congratulations on your... _peace treaties_."

He would laugh or at least scoff - for he may not be able to effortlessly read his eyes anymore but in his line of work it's a mandatory precondition that he can tell when someone's voice is _laced_ with irony, however _feeble_ it might be - but they've been clearly walking on thin ice ever since he stepped foot into this house, and, well, he's the one who _made the first step_ , who came in uninvited, he should at least play _the bigger man_.

"Well, it wasn't a particularly hard endeavour. In such... trying times, the least each country needs is more conflict. Besides, I wouldn't even be in that position had it not been -"

"For Reiner and Annie, right... I see, you haven't changed."

"As in?"

"You still underestimate yourself."

 _Please_... What would Eren know of him now?

"I'm only stating facts."

"How are they doing, really? I haven't seen them for years..."

And for _good_ reason.

"Good... Good, I guess. Reiner became the main Rookie Instructor... He's always had a way with the younger, I think it's fitting. Annie quit the Military altogether. She's helping her father run his new business, selling fabrics basically."

"I see... That is... great. _More_ than great, actually... I mean... that way, when the right time comes, she'll be able to take care of your children, if you're too busy with work or traveling abroad..."

 _What_.

"Right! Congratulations are in order. Mikasa told me it was a beautiful ceremony."

He needs to play the bigger man.

"...Thank you."

"Never thought I wouldn't even be able to attend your wedding. The games life can play at times..."

Ah, yes, _the games life can play_... Not that he tried to kill the entire world or anything...

"It must have been a big deal back in Marley, huh? I can see all the journalists going crazy: The Saviour of the World, now Paradis' Ambassador and Former Warrior, mortal enemies for years now uniting until death does them apart... Not that I would know much of course, but, it does sound like a _big deal._ I wonder how it might have affected your image in Marleyans' minds -"

_Fuck it._

"I should go. Thank you for the coffee."

"Do stay a little longer."

Towering over him hasn't _intimidated_ him when he was 9 and older children thought he was an _interesting past time,_ Eren can't possibly believe it will have any effect on him now at 26 after all they've been through.

"It's been four whole years. We have so much _catching up_ to do."

"No, that's more than enough really... I promised Jean, I would visit and I did. But I made no deal on how long I'll stay. I don't have to tolerate any more of your insolence."

"Oh, forgive me, never meant to offend you. It was... _love_?"

"Not good enough of a reason to you?"

"Your love or Bertholdt's?"

.

.

As hard as it was to control, had he saved the snickering at his _best friend's_ expense for after he started driving away, maybe he wouldn't have caught up to him, reached over his shoulder and pushed the door of the house closed before he took the chance to exit. 

(Then again, Eren was always faster than him.)

 _These_ are the small but crucial mistakes he makes, when he allows others to get under his skin, like he's still some unknowledgeable _fucking_ teenager.

"I said. _Do_ stay a little longer."

Teenagers - Eren would know best - usually have a _really bad_ temper. 

"Let's not make a scene, Eren. Just let me go."

.

.

.

.

_What, in the actual Hell, is Eren doing?_

"A _scene_ , why not? -"

Eren had better take his hand off his shoulder _right now_.

"- It can get boring up here. We're all alone, as well. Unless you have back up in hiding..."

Eren had better _detach_ his body from his back _right now_.

"No need, I'm not afraid of you. Nobody is anymore."

Eren _must_ take -

"Hmm..."

\- his mouth out of his hair _right now_.

"...You've never really been afraid of me, have you? I wonder if that makes you too naive or too brave... I respect that either way."

 _Enough_.

"Now, now..."

 _This is fucking unprecedented_. How hard can it _fucking_ be for his hand to turn the doorknob faster than the arm of someone who's apparently this _preoccupied_ can push the door back closed? How hard can it be to strike his ribs with his elbow or step on his foot or hit his face with the back of his head or _just do anything_ to momentarily stunt him so he can get out of there without this turning into a fight he'll most likely lose?

How hard can it be for his body to obey his brai -

"...I'll really start believing you didn't miss me at all."

 _On all dieties_ , if Eren doesn't take his nose away from his neck, he swea -

This is _not_ happening. He must be imagining it - no, that would be even worse. Is Eren - he can't be - 

"About as much as you missed me."

\- _sniffing_?

(This is no _fucking_ time to close his eyes and gulp. It is _fucking_ time to open the _fucking_ door and preferably change _fucking_ continent.)

 _Goddamnit_.

What is the purpose of this _clownery_? Is he hoping to make him let down his guard? To achieve what? To make an attempt at his life? Was he fantasising about killing him too while in the shower? That can't be it... If Eren wanted to kill him, he would have done so long ago, years ago, he's had a billion of chances and he's not the type to choose any _roundabout_ way to go for it. 

Then why -

(This is no _fucking_ time for any kind of _fucking_ sigh, _for fuck's sake_.)

Wait.

No way.

It couldn't be... just for the satisfaction of _being able_ to make him let down his guard?

"Don't lie now, I'm sure Annie and playing the world's Messiah doesn't leave you enough time for this much... missing."

 _That's it_.

"Thank you for the coffee."

.

.

By the way Eren grabs him, turns him around and forcefully pushes him against the _fucking_ door, two things become clear: For one, Eren is _angry_.

 _Good_.

(Now, _that_ is _nostalgic_.)

"I've been living in this shithole for seven fucking years, isolated from the world, just like you... _decided_. I only own the things you allow, I can only walk away from the building as many meters you deem _safe_ , I eat what you bring me, I almost ask for permission to piss -"

"What are you -?"

"I'm nothing but a _slave_. Because of _you_. And yet you can't even spare me an hour, in _four whole years_? You must know that's unfair, Armin..."

For two, one of them isn't leaving this house alive. 

" _Slave_!?"

Eren's arms had better bruise where he hits them to get them off himself.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe that back then we had two options: whether we killed you or we let you face trial for trying to _destroy the godamn world_ which, as I'm sure you understand, means you'd still get killed or, _worse,_ imprisoned for life. Do you know what prisoners do to mass murderers with no Curse of Ymir to protect them? _This_ , is the closest you could ever get to a normal life, _this_ is the only _freedom_ you could ever hope to achieve, after what you've done. And _certainly,_ it's more than you deserve!"

" _This_... Freedom?-"

"Forgive me, it doesn't conform to your definition of it? Why? Because it doesn't involve killing millions!?" 

"- Is this what you tell yourself to ease your conscience?"

.

He's going to kill him, after all.

.

He will make it slow, _methodical_ , starting by knocking him on the ground, sitting on top of him, punching his face hard enough to potentially break his cheekbone and then grabbing the fabric of his shirt forcefully enough to rip it. 

"Do you have any idea what we're risking simply keeping you alive!? Can you imagine what is going to happen if anyone even _suspects_ we're hiding the greatest criminal in human history!? _All out war_ , that's what. Paradis' fate, Eldians' fate, everything I've fought for in Marley, _the whole world_ is in danger because you _exist_. And you dare speak of your own freedom?"

In his defence, he tried. He honestly tried to simply leave. But Eren didn't let him.

No matter what happens from now on, it won't be his own fault.

"I'm really sorry, am I supposed to be eternally grateful to you, _my hero_?"

"You're a lost cause..."

"For a long time now... but that didn't fit your ideal image of me so you _conveniently_ ignored it."

Excavating the mistakes of the past? Can such a turn of the conversation ever work in either's favour?

"Yes, I did that... It was stupid of me, and I regret it every day. But are you _conveniently_ going to blame it all on me? When did you ever ask for my help and I didn't give it to you?"

"But you _are_ a little to blame, don't you think?"

Blood appears to have stopped running from his nose. He should fix that soon.

"Do you know what happens to a broken person when they are left all alone with endless time in their hands? They start thinking _and thinking and thinking_ all the godamn time, until they lose their mind for good. And... as much as I was thinking it over, I can't place the beginning of everything, the beginning of _everything I am_ , anywhere but on that day you showed me your grandfather's book..."

 _What_.

"I can't help but wonder... if you've never talked to me about your dream of us exploring the outside world, if I've never looked into your eyes and realised I was a slave, who would I be now? How many lives would be spared?"

 _What is he saying_.

"Have you ever thought about that?"

What is this smirk? What could he possibly find so _enjoyable_ from all of this?

"...You can't possibly believe -"

What, in the _everliving Hell,_ is so _fucking_ funny to warrant such a psychotic laughter?

"How shall I put it, so you can understand?"

 _Right_ , he should let him know. If he does, maybe he can start laughing too, and forget all the different things any reasonable person in his situation would do on Eren's face from this 10-centimeter distance that he's repositioned himself into, to finally _shut him up_ \- like headbutting his nose or biting his cheek off or -

 _No_... Better even to... put his fingers around his neck and _slowly... patiently... start squeezing..._

"You started the fire that almost burnt the whole world, Armin! _You_ , who fought so hard to put it out! How does that make you feel? _Isn't life so fucking hilarious!?_ "

Yes. _Hilarious_.

(... _bear his nails into sensitive skin_...)

In truth, he's been _laughing_ for years now. Ever since he ate an actual human being and came back to life, he's been _laughing_ every day.

"Don't you dare..."

(... _feel his heart racing_...

He won't be laughing for long...)

To think, once he really believed _this_ , at least, was never a _joke_.

"I know my dream never meant anything to you, but don't you dare _defile_ it, you hear!? Don't you dare defile the only sacred thing we ever had!"

(... _feel his body squirming for_ \- )

" _We_ had? I never cared about any _ocean_ or _lands of snow_ or anything. I only cared about the _freedom_ to be able to see all that if I wanted."

So much for his third chance today.

In his defence, Eren must be the first person in seven years to make him laugh to tears.

"Is this some kind of attempt to _hurt_ me? _Please_ , Eren... you can't hurt anyone more than you already have."

 _The ocean? The outside world?_ He can't even fool himself.

That dream died the day it was realised.

"You know..."

 _He doesn't_. He doesn't know anything. He never knew anything.

"I contemplated suicide many times..."

(...Who would have thought, they'd still have something in common.)

In his 17 years of experience, he cannot pinpoint a single time in which looking into Eren's eyes has been a _good idea_ \- what with their unique ability to apparently _numb_ the neurons struggling to transmit the brain's messages to the rest of the body.

Today, clearly, won't be the day he finally learns from the mistakes of the past. 

"...I didn't go through with it first and foremost for Mikasa... Who would take care of her afterwards with you _happily married_ in Marley? That _horseface_? She kept insisting that we can _move on_ , that _we only lose, when we stop fighting_. She has a special talent for making me forget she's _almost_ as guilty for my situation as you..."

He needs to remember to buy Mikasa the most expensive piece of jewelry he can get his hands on in Marley to thank her for _being Mikasa_ once more.

Eren can't die. 

Not unless he kills him.

"But soon, one more reason worth _enduring_ for occurred to me..."

Theoretically, he can still do it. He's still sitting on him, he still has his neck within straggling distance, Eren is still harbouring this hollow smirk under the dried blood, courtesy of his previous punch, that's begging him to _uproot_ it - must be the same expression of that Eren he's seen in one dream; holding his body under the surface of the sea and staring at him while water was filling his lungs; until he woke up in need to burry his head into Annie's neck for half an hour to finally breathe normally again and yet with a lingering sense of _peace_ ; dying in the ocean doesn't sound like _a_ _bad ending,_ dying by Eren's hands doesn't sound like _an unfitting ending_.

"Why are you keeping me alive, Armin? If my very life is such a grave risk, like you said, why don't you just _kill me_?... I'll tell you why... You know this is not freedom, you know this is not what I would ever choose... But you can't do it. _You can't kill me_. You can't even let anyone else do it..."

 _Now, where would he get this ridiculous idea_? If that's the case, then, regrettably, he will have no other choice but -

"You can't _abandon your humanity_. You can't give up on what's important. But, _one who can't sacrifice anything, can't change anything_ , right?"

\- to punch his face into the floor _again and again and again and again and again and again_ , until he deforms it.

" _You rely on violence because you can't prove me wrong_."

One more punch to restart the blood running from his nose. 

(After all, _who knows_ , this _audacious bastard_ might show no resistance and he might accidentally keep this going long enough to actually kill him _finally_.)

"You live on every day knowing you are _useless_!" 

One more, to scratch his right cheek - may Mr. Leonhart be blessed for this ring he gifted him on his last promotion.

"You can't even kill the person who killed so many of your friends, you'd rather let -" 

One more, to swell his left eye.

"- them turning in their graves! You'd rather lie to the entire world while pretending you're the hero who saved and will keep on saving it!"

One more, to bruise his forehead.

"You'd rather let Mikasa waste her life on me!"

One more, to crack his lips.

"You can't spare your _best friend_ the suffering, you can't -"

One more to -

"- even take advantage of that suffering to ease your own!"

What? 

.

.

What will _change_?

He was, is and always will be a _coward_.

"Why am I keeping you alive?"

His knuckles must have bloodied. He will have to wrap some gossamer around them and come up with a lie to justify it - maybe he cut himself while peeling an apple, no, even better, he almost cut his whole finger off with an axe while cutting wood for the fireplace, it hurt like hell but thankfully he didn't need stitches. Rumours of participation in a fight can hurt a diplomat's image - especially if they're carrying the _stigma_ of being a Paradisian.

But, at least, he'll leave visible marks on Eren for a few months. Not that anyone's going to see him to know he's _taken_. 

At least, he can save this _beautiful_ sight below him in his memory - his most _victorious defeat_.

" _Because you'd rather die, than live as cattle_."

This time nothing can block the door.

"... _That's_ what I _tell myself to ease my conscience_."

It's raining lightly. 

If only he could find it in him to laugh as... maniacally? _soulfully_ as Eren. Must feel pretty _liberating_.

"My existence is your punishment, your existence is my punishment! Pretty poetic, don't you think!?"

The sounds of the raindrops hitting the petals of Eren's flowers accompanied with his laughter appear to create a quite pleasing symphony in his ears. This can only verify what he's been suspecting for some time now: his mind has completely _fallen apart_. 

Well, he did last longer than he ever thought he would.

"Yeah, pretty poetic."

.

.

.

Rain is never a good thing.

On rainy days, it's harder to maneuver through the air, the visibility is limited, any markings, any evidence, on the ground fade, the formation can easily be disrupted, their chances of becoming Titan food or shot midair and squashed in unrecognisable pulps on the mud increase exponentially. 

On rainy days mothers forbid their sons to play outside with their only friend and they have to spend the afternoon rereading old books and missing them. 

On rainy days, grandfathers bring their grandsons fresh juice - that they must have all but sold a kidney to find - on their bed and announce they are being sent on a mission to retake Wall Maria and never come back. 

On rainy days, memories of best friends getting eaten alive resurface out of nowhere but a soldier cannot disrupt their routine to search for said friends and make sure _they_ _really are alive, they really are breathing._

On rainy days, it's difficult to find the appropriate secluded place into the forest - the denser the vegitation the better it can suppress sound - and yell out one's despair to no one, because a life on the edge was never meant for _the weak_ but they have no right to place more burden on the shoulders of _the strong_.

On rainy days, friends get the rare chance to eat together but even well-grilled meat tastes bitter because one seat is very _loudly_ empty, one friend is _missing_ , one friend abandoned them with no explanation and started a mess bigger than what they've ever faced, a mess _bigger_ than all of them. 

On rainy days, even in the embrace of one's wife, they find themselves looking outside the window and swearing sunsets in this country don't look as beautiful as those back _home_.

On rainy days, even the ocean looks untamable, dangerous, wicked - and all the more _magnificent_.

But, today is the day of a lot of first times, indeed. 

Never before had he felt _grateful_ to feel the rain on his face. 

Jean's car is probably a wet mess already, which automatically _translates into_ a throbbing headache from the _hourlong_ complaining he will have to bear with later. However, he would be having a very needed smoke right now, had it not been for his - a barely not alcoholic who thinks he can give advice on a healthy lifestyle - insistence that he carries his cigarettes with him as less as possible to minimize the use, as if he's suddenly become some kind of addict. _God_ , if they exist, _knows_ , he needs to smoke right now. But he _can't_. So, he will wait under the rain at least until it cleans the blood off his knuckles and _screw_ _the car_ \- Jean brought this on himself.

It's his turn to treat the drinks tonight, after all. Jean won't hate him for long. 

Well, unless he makes the mistake to ask about today's events when he's not adequately sober to refuse to go in detail. Then, he'll hate him for at least the whole night - _one more_ whole night.

But if, just for tonight, he manages to control said hatred enough, not to abandon him dozing off in some shady bar until the the bartender kicks him out and makes certain to irreversibly demolish his reputation or, _worse_ , to bail out on him in the middle of the night, forcing him to return early to Mikasa's - with Mikasa worrying over him, barely concealing her disappointment, and sooner or later _asking questions_ \- then he, in turn, can promise to let him _beat the shit out of him_ whenever he's feeling like it - _fuck the Ambassador's image._

And it's long overdue, really. Anyone else in the same position he's put Jean - passing down the title of Commander, relying on him to take care of Mikasa, borrowing his car whenever he returns to Paradis for a few days, _Eren_ \- while he... left? _ran away_ and started a new life in a new country, would have slipped something into his drink long ago - something _lethal_.

Maybe Jean is a _good_ _person_ \- 

(Do _good people_ exist?)

\- or his _mind has_ _completely_ _fallen apart_ too.

Either way, he's getting as many bottles of whiskey as he wants tonight.

.

.

Peculiar how his knuckles are still slightly bleeding. It was only nine? ten? punches... Quantity must not be the explanation, here. Then maybe quality? Did he graze them on Eren's teeth or maybe the floor somewhen in the midst of it all? And with enough force to justify so persisting a bleeding, even? Was he more _brutal_ than... he's aware of?

Then again, he can't realistically be aware of how _brutal_ he can get when he allows his brain to _slow down_ for a minute and let his fists do the _talking_ , given it's the _first time_ he actually does so - another first time for today's list: first time to choose violence while having the comfort of other alternatives.

When will he finally learn not to believe he's already reached his lowest possible point? There will always be somewhere _lower_ he can _fall onto_.

But if his knuckles are still bleeding, Eren's face doubtlessly does too. And judging by that sudden silence, he's either seeing to his wounds - certainly Mikasa wouldn't have left him without the essential equipment for such occasions - while being particularly careful to suppress the inevitable accompanying sounds of anguish _; or_ he's laying unconscious in the middle of his kitchen.

Does Eren know how to take care of such wounds? Being a Titan shifter able to heal _at will_ for so many years, does he remember how to do these things _manually_? That's ridiculous. As clumsy and impatient as he can get at times, it's impossible for any soldier not to know basic first aid... But maybe he is in so much pain, he can't do it on his own.

It's about a 45-minute drive to the Capital, if he leaves now, he can have Mikasa here within the next two hours - Eren's wounds aren't severe enough to threaten his life, after all.

But then, he would have to put her through completely unnecessary trouble as well as let her know _the details_.

.

.

Maybe he should just check out on h -

"You have two options."

Is this a _threat_?

He's never had as single option in his life that wouldn't, one way or the other, hurt him.

_Well, then._

Apparently, Eren does know how to take the minimal care of himself. Apparently, his punches have been brutal _enough_.

"Me and Mikasa are leaving."

.

.

.

.

.

Very, _very_ bad time for _jokes_.

"I'll change my appearance, I'll change my name, no one will find out I'm alive, you can rest assured. But you can't stop us. Nobody can... The day after tomorrow, 10 pm, the same time your ship is leaving for Marley, right? Someone will smuggle us in Marley and we'll go on from there. We're going to _explore the outside world_."

Quite _humourless_ jokes at that.

"You can either keep fooling yourself that you're happy with your current life or you can run away with us."

A joke _and_ a threat.

"Are you even listening to yourself!?"

No. These eyes are _not_ joking. He will have to laugh anyway. 

Not a joke, then. Just a threat.

Eren is in no _fucking_ place to be threatening anyone.

Eren is in no _fucking_ place to toy with -

"So, I'm the one who let Mikasa waste her life but this is a better alternative!? At least like _this_ , she still has a chance at something close to a normal life! But a life on the run? Is that what she deserves!?"

"At least I... gave her the freedom to choose."

" _The freedom_ , my ass! You know she'd never leave you alone! How can you do this to her!?"

"Do I look like a good person to you, Armin?"

Why do people _keep_ asking him this!?

"Eren Jeager has willingly lived as a slave only to Armin Arlert. In a way, he's been living like that ever since he's met him. Take pride in that. But Eren Jeager is _dead_. Armin Arlert _killed him_. I am a _dead man walking_ , I've been a slave even in death long enough, I can and will walk to anywhere I want, with whomever I want."

.

.

This is it, then.

This is as far as his worst plan up to date will work.

No reason to keep lying to himself any more. He's been expecting this day to come for years now.

This wasn't supposed to be a _cage_.

There's no cage, no force, human or devine, that could keep Eren Jeager imprisoned. Every _corner_ of the globe knows that. _He's always known that._

But... at some point down the road, did he let himself believe that he has _created_ such a cage?

Then again, he was, is, and will always be a _coward_.

"The day after tomorrow. 10 pm on the clock. Mikasa will show you the exact place. Be there or don't."

Now he can only let the world pay for this cowardice, any time Eren feels like it. _Astonishing_ , really... Even without the power of the Coordinate, he can still _destroy the world._

 _A walking timebomb_ \- as always.

Free to -

"You said that the outside world meant nothing to you, but you still want to see it."

And if it explodes, this time for certain, he will be the one guilty for lighting the fire that burnt the whole world.

"I am finally free. And right now I feel like a little traveling."

For a hilltop surrounded by so much greenery, there is an _alarming_ lack of oxygen - how is it possible he didn't notice before? Did it just happen?

Why does it take so long to reach the car? Certainly, he must not have parked it that far from the house. He needs to drive away. About 45 minutes to Rose. It's always easy to _breathe_ in the poisonous atmosphere of the city.

Really... when did the world fell at their feet?

Was it when they attended the international conference in Marley and Eren understood there's no hope for the world to see Paradisians as anything but _Devils_? Was it when Eren got the memories of his future self and changed, no, _adapted_ \- Eren has always been the same - under his nose? Was it when the Wall of Shingashina was breached and at barely eleven years of age they were forced to lose every illusion of normalcy, to face the real cruelty of the world head on? 

Or was it _actually_ back when he showed Eren his grandfather's book?

Or maybe, was it when Eren found him beaten and crying and asked for his name? 

Right from the very start? 

.

.

Doesn't matter.

Years on years and they are still _falling_.

(So much for reaching the car, if this _fucking_ trembling won't let him drive.)

At least if they hit rock bottom, the only way to go would be upwards.

"I'm sure you could care less but, just so you know... a _true friend_ would never force their friend to make a choice like that."

Does rock bottom even _exist_?

"A _true friend_ would do their friend the favour of killing them instead of putting a leash on their neck and making them their _dog_..."

If anyone ever told the him of eight or more years ago, that there would come a day, Eren would look so _intently_ into his eyes - almost, _dare he interpret_ , almost as if there's so much he wants to yell and he can't so he expects him to just _know_ \- and take his hand to kiss his wounded knuckles, yet all he'd be able to feel is the need to kill him; he would have outright laughed at their faces -

"Aren't you glad we're no longer _friends_?"

\- they have no idea what he and Eren are.

* * *

Between a monster willing to destroy the world to achieve their own desires and a monster who _can_ kill that other monster but instead lets it run free between their almost and/or to be... _victims_ ; who deserves the most gruesome tortures in - assuming it even exists - Hell?

He's well aware he's already _lost it_ but that's honestly a little too ridiculous a thought for someone running out of time.

(After all, does it even matter? Both are going to be tortured for eternity anyway.)

It can't be this cigarette's fault, however different from the usual it's supposed to be. As he's been quite thoroughly informed, he's expected - and, well, that's the whole point really - to experience some peculiar thoughts, some unwarranted bodily reactions, at worst, even outright hallucinations - he can't allow himself to go that far - as the _substances_ enter his bloodstream and his mind _lets go_ \- like being drunk and merrily detached from reality but _more, much more_. However, it apparently requires more than ten minutes or so to act depending on the individual and he's only just begun with it.

Hopefully, it won't take long to take effect. Forty... _seven_ fucking minutes here and that enfuriating shivering won't subside. It can't be the cold. As lower than the rest of the month as the temperature might be tonight, it shouldn't be anything his wool trench coat can't _fend off_. It also shouldn't realistically be able to contract the gold of his wedding ring enough for him to feel like his bone is slowly crumbling beneath it. And _yet_. Maybe if his organism allows the cigarette to _work in his favour_ , everything will just... _stop_ ; the world will stop for a while. _He_ will stop for a while. 

Sure, sounds as incredible as it does _pathetic_. 

_To hell with it._

He can bet his watch - as priceless as an object can get since _Mikasa_ gifted it to him on his 23rd birthday - even Jean would like to try this specific type of smoke. If it works he'll definitely introduce him to the miracle of quite literally _forgetting who you are_ for some minutes, at least _once_ \- he might even start considering alcohol _overrated_ afterwards. He deserves it, for not betraying him the night before yesterday when he needed him the most. If it doesn't work, well... he's no stranger to _the_ _hatred of the universe_. 

_You have two choices_ -

(At least from here he has a beautiful view of the moonlight reflecting on the ocean, and as hard as he laughs at the utter _hilarity_ of his life, no one can hear him. Wouldn't have it any other way.)

\- His childhood dream to explore the world with Eren _or_ his current dream to assist in unifying the world, to finally bring about peace...

Honestly... between Eren _daring_ to leave Jean behind as if he doesn't _owe him anything_ , to take Mikasa with him as if _he owns her_ , to endanger the world's fragile stability of his postmortem, to ask of him to abandon the life he's finally built on thousands of dead bodies, his chance to redeem himself, to forget his new cause, to betray Annie -

And himself, _daring_ to stand here - on some, _the games life can play some times_ , indeed, literal crossroads, one way for every option he was given, for the last forty... _nine_ minutes - actually _hesitating_ following the path down to the port and to his ship that's leaving for Marley in half an hour; the only logical explanation for which is _unfortunately_ that he's trully _acknowledging_ Eren's madness as an alternative -

\- who deserves the most gruesome tortures of this realm before they move on to be tortured in some hypothetical next?

(Why won't the _goddamn_ cigarette work _faster_? Though, admittedly, standing alone, motionless in the middle of the road at such an hour and bursting into sudden fits of laughter at seemingly nothing must look to a third eye like he's at best _high_ at worst _a psychopath_. Well, not so far from the truth.)

He should have killed him.

If only he had taken just one of those infinite chances he's had in the last seven years.

He could still do it...

He can walk to their designated meeting point, pretend he's chosen to join them and when Eren least expects it put his hands around his neck, push his head underwater, stare into his eyes until his face becomes the last thing Eren will ever see, _slowly... patiently... start squeezing..._ let the water do its part. _.. feel his heart racing... feel his body squirming for air... watch the eyeballs roll backwards... take absolute control over his life and death... become his God for -_

It will break Mikasa. But in this planet he's never met a stronger person than her, eventually she will put her pieces back together and start over. She will finally earn the life she deserves.

As for him, well... Maybe Eren will drag him under water as well, become the last thing he will ever see as well, be the one to _end_ them like he was the one to _start_ them seventeen years ago and finally close this infernal chapter of history. Maybe Mikasa will decapitate him on the spot. Maybe he will lose his last ounces of sense, put his gun on his temple and pull the trigger; or, _worse_ , shoot the person who is supposed to smuggle them in Marley to ensure his silence, leave Mikasa to deal with the _consequences_ \- none of them can push charges against him unless they're willing to reveal to the world that Eren wasn't really killed when they thought he was and cope with the aftermath of such a secret becoming public - sleep in some motel by the port and take the first morning ship back to Annie.

Unless Mikasa decides to punish him by killing herself in front of him - she _cannot_ , she _does not_ value her life as little - there's really no other scenario in which he can _lose_.

 _Ah_ , the cigarette must be finally taking effect. 

No sober person - with no Titan shifting abilities even - would dare to think they have a chance to kill Eren with Mikasa within a 3-kilometer radius. 

_Funny_ \- maybe now that his mind will hopefully _shut down_ and his _instincts_ will take whatever control he'll be left with, he might actually be able to go through with the _murdering Eren_ part. 

But, what would be the point really? To break Mikasa now, out of the blue, that she can't fully rationalize why... To pretend Eren is anyhow more dangerous out there than he was back in his... _cage..._ To pretend he can still undo the decision he made when he held Eren's almost dead body but didn't put it out of it's misery... To pretend Eren's anyhow to blame that he's _here_ and not already laying in his cabin's bed waiting to finally _forget who he is_...

Twenty-three minutes before the ship sails away. He can still make it, if he starts walking now.

Can he actually trust himself to make the right choice while under the influence? Will he even be able to walk all the way down to said choice?

 _Right choice_? What a joke.

There were never any _right choices_.

But if his instincts were to take over now, he might at least make the choice he is going to regret _less_.

That's what he's come to.

Really... is this all he is? All he has always been? All he can ever hope to be? 

Eren Jeager just snaps his fingers and he starts _dancing_ like a good _dog_? 

_Eren Jeager has willingly lived as a slave only to Armin Arlert._

Really... between Eren and himself -

Unless his grandpa is somewhere hidden in the trees baking his signature cookies with that characteristic smell that used to make him and Eren salivate from a block away, it's safe to assume, the cigarette is about to _work_.

\- _who's the real slave to a piece of shit?_

.

.

.

Well, for now, all he has to do, is pick up his suitcase, and move forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Petunia: Anger, Resentment, Desire to Spend More Time with Someone Because their Company is Soothing etc
> 
> Marigold: Despair and Grief over the Loss of Love, Cruelty and Coldness due to Jealousy, Sacred Offerings to the Gods, Celebrating the Dead, Creativity and Desire for Success, Promoting Cheer in a Relationship etc


End file.
